Stop Trying to Fix What's Wrong (And What to Do Instead) #149

What if the starting point for real change wasn't finding what's wrong, but finding what's already right?

In this episode, Mary Debono reflects on a critique of self-help culture by author Tim Ferriss, who observed that to continually improve yourself, you must continually locate the ways you are broken. Mary explains why the Feldenkrais MethodⓇ and Debono Moves take a fundamentally different path.

Rather than searching for dysfunction, this work begins with ease. For people, that means noticing what you can already do comfortably and building from there, even if "easy" means going very small and very slow. 

For horses and dogs, it means finding where movement flows naturally and gently expanding on that, using connection and harmony as your guide.

Mary shares how this principle plays out in real life, from movement lessons with people to training and hands-on work with horses and dogs. She also offers a simple way to start applying this idea right now, no special equipment or program required.

If you've ever felt frustrated by slow progress, in yourself or your animal, this episode offers a reframe that is both practical and grounding.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

1. The Feldenkrais MethodⓇ and Debono Moves do not start by identifying problems. They start by finding where ease already exists, and building from there.
2. For people: notice what you can do with a sense of ease, even if it requires slowing way down or making movements very small. That ease is the signal your nervous system needs to begin expanding.
3. For horses and dogs: look for what your animal does easily and willingly with you. That moment of harmony, however small, is your foundation.
4. Connection and joy are not byproducts of good training or movement work. They are the starting point.
5. The feeling of harmony between you and your animal functions as a useful barometer. If stress or resistance shows up, it's a cue to return to something simpler and easier, not to push through.

Resources:

Grab your FREE video training to help your dog. 🐕 https://www.marydebono.com/lovedog 💥

💥Learn how the Feldenkrais MethodⓇ can help improve your seat, position, and balance on your horse! Free rider videos masterclass: https://www.marydebono.com/rider 💥

Get Mary’s bestselling, award-winning book, “Grow Young with Your Dog,” for a super low price at: https://tinyurl.com/growyoungwithyourdog. Demonstration videos are included at no extra cost. ⬅️⬅️⬅️

All information is for general educational purposes ONLY and doesn't constitute medical or veterinary advice or professional training advice. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider if you, your horse, or your dog are unwell or injured.  Always use extreme caution when interacting with horses and dogs.

About the Host:

Mary Debono is a pioneer in animal and human wellness, blending her expertise as an international clinician, best-selling author, and certified Feldenkrais Method® practitioner. With over three decades of experience, Mary developed Debono Moves, a groundbreaking approach that enhances the performance, well-being, and partnership of animals and their humans.

Mary's innovative approach draws from the Feldenkrais Method®, tailored specifically for horse and dog enthusiasts.  Her methods have helped animals and humans:

• Improve athletic ability and performance
• Enhance confidence and reduce anxiety
• Reduce physical limitations and discomfort
• Deepen the human-animal bond

Mary's flagship online programs, "Move with Your Horse" and "Easier Movement, Happier Dogs," provide animal enthusiasts with an innovative approach that combines the concepts of Feldenkrais® with her signature hands-on work for horses and dogs (Debono Moves). Through this transformative approach, both people and their animal companions discover greater harmony, ease, and connection.

TRANSCRIPT:

Recently, Tim Ferriss, the prolific blogger and author and dog lover, was talking about his basically 20 years of consuming and writing about self help and optimizing your life. And he was critical of it. Now it's, he's, as he's gotten older, he's talked about, you know, what he finds is a basic flaw in it. And, and this is what he said, that to continually improve yourself, you must continually locate the ways you are broken.

Now that may be true for the type of self help, the type of optimizing that Tim Ferriss was doing. But this is what makes the Feldenkrais method and the Feldenkrais inspired Debono Moves her animals quite different. Different. So let me explain. One of the things that, that I teach in my work is not to look for what's wrong with yourself or your horse or your dog. You're looking for what's already working.

It's so different, it's such a different approach. And this is, you know, based on the brilliant work of Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais. This was a big part of his work. We, we look for what the individual can already do easily and then we build on that. And by building on that, you can actually expand your range of possibilities. So completely different. So I know nowadays it's become very fashionable, if you will, to criticize self help and a lot of times rightfully so.

However, this to me is so different because you're, you're harnessing your own power. This isn't about listening to some guru, you know, taking advice from somebody do this. My morning routine is this. You need to do this. This is about learning more about yourself, like how you do move easily and then by building on that, by feeling the ease in your life. And we do this for, for you.

We do this through Feldenkrais awareness, through movement lessons that I teach. You know, you learn how to move, to do these amazing different non habitual movements with a sense of ease. No matter. Even if you have something, you know, fairly limiting, like maybe you've been injured, maybe you have a neurological condition, maybe just, you know, the aches and pains of getting older, the stiffness, things like that. It's amazing when you tap into, you know, that idea of okay, well I can do this easily.

And you build on that. Your whole world opens up, you suddenly then can do a lot more. And you can learn about this, you know, through my work. And then we take that same concept to our animals, to our horses and dogs. We, with our hands, we find where movement is easy and we build on that. So we start from this place of ease and pleasure and safety.

So the nervous system then can generalize that feeling of ease. So we're looking for what's right, we're not looking for what's wrong, what's broken, anything like that. That's not how we even think about ourselves or our animals in this work. It's connecting with, you know, what's already harmonious, even if it's a tiny thing, and expanding on that. And to me, this is just even psychologically so incredibly different.

So yes, Tim Ferriss. So this is no knock, I want to say no criticism of Tim Ferriss whatsoever. I think he makes a valid point for many of the optimizing know techniques and the self help gurus out there. I, first of all, you know, that's why I don't consider the Feldenkrais method or debona moves in that league at all. It's completely different. It's somatic education. It's, you know, retraining your brain in a very different way.

So again, you can help your animal, you can help yourself move through life with greater ease, greater harmony, greater connection by finding what's working and expanding on that. So as you go through your day, so by the way, you know, I teach this in my programs, I can't teach it over a short episode at all. You know, in the podcast, however, you can get a little glimpse of this by just as you go about your day, think about what you do easily.

What do you do easily? And you know, it may be that to do something easily, like maybe it's a physical movement, you have to make it so small and slow, do that, do that, feel the ease, and then your brain can feel safe, your nervous system can get that sense of safety and ease and then you can gradually expand it. We do the same thing with our animals.

Again, I can't teach you over the podcast how to do the hands on work, but if you think about it, even from a behavioral or training point of view, you find what's easy for your horse or dog to do with you, right? And you, you build that sense of connection, you build that sense of, you know, success, if you will, of fun, of joy, of harmony together. I like that better than success or achievement, right?

It's that sense of harmony and connection and joy that you share and then you can gradually build on it. So the idea is, can you maintain that? Like, can you say you're teaching your, your horse or your dog something you, you just, you go back to maybe something very basic that you do together. It could be a fun game. It could be whatever it is. And then you keep that feeling going, right?

If that feeling, if you notice any stress in your animal or yourself or any just, like, lowering of that, then you know, you've maybe gone too fast, right? That you're not, you know, so. So. So you're not building on. You're trying to fix something at that point. So instead, again, embrace what's easy and fun and joyful and then expand that. But it's like you can use that. That feeling of connection and harmony is like a little bit of a barometer for you, right?

If you find that you're struggling, maybe you're getting angry. You know, sometimes I meet people. I met this woman yesterday. She had a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous dog and young dog. And she was telling me how frustrated she is with him. And she. She clearly was. And she was using methods I wouldn't use, you know, more aversive things to train him because she felt like she had no other choice.

And it's like she. And this is, again, a great example of where you can. You can go to what is fun for you and your dog and build on that. And same thing with your horse. A lot of people struggle with their horses. They. The horses are either too slow for them, not listening, not bending, right? Not doing what I want behind the leg, you know, too spooky, not, you know, not lively enough, whatever.

People always have, you know, these ideas, right, that the horse should be doing something that they want to do, but it's like, okay, that's all well and good, but how do you approach that? Can you come from that place of ease and harmony and joy and then build on that together? Because after all, your animals deserve a say in their lives, right? As much as you do. So I'll just leave you with that today.

But that is just a key concept of our work, is that we're not looking for what's broken. We're not trying to fix you or your animal. What we're doing is helping you find the ease, the joy in your life, right? The easy movement, even if it's tiny, and then expanding that so that eventually you find that, wow. And when I say eventually, sometimes this happens within an hour for people, right?

They do a class with me, suddenly their back doesn't hurt and their neck is freer and all kinds of things. Their shoulders free up everything. So sometimes it takes a lot longer, right? So there's. And other people and animals fall in between that. So the idea is, you find the ease. You find the joy. You find the harmony. And then you let that beauty expand. So thank you so much for joining me.

I love sharing this work with you, and I look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye for now.