When Kindness Isn't Enough: The Body-Behavior Connection #142

What if the key to a more confident and social animal isn't more training, but helping them feel more at home in their own body?

In this episode, Mary shares three case studies from her decades of hands-on work: a shutdown horse, a semi-feral cat with mysterious hind leg trouble, and an anxious young rescue dog. 

In each case, the shift came not from targeting the behavior directly, but from working with the animal's physical experience. By releasing unnecessary tension, supporting freer movement, and helping the nervous system find a new baseline of ease.

Drawing on the insight from Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais that physical and emotional states are intertwined, Mary explains why this matters: you cannot simply will an animal into confidence or sociability. But when the body finds ease, emotional states often follow. Not because they were forced, but because the animal now has a different physical experience from which to meet the world.

This episode is for anyone wondering why kindness alone sometimes isn't enough, and what else might be possible.

Resources:

Grab your FREE video training to help your dog. 🐕 https://www.marydebono.com/lovedog 💥

💥Learn how the Feldenkrais MethodⓇ can help improve your seat, position, and balance on your horse! Free rider videos masterclass: https://www.marydebono.com/rider 💥

Get Mary’s bestselling, award-winning book, “Grow Young with Your Dog,” for a super low price at: https://tinyurl.com/growyoungwithyourdog. Demonstration videos are included at no extra cost. ⬅️⬅️⬅️

All information is for general educational purposes ONLY and doesn't constitute medical or veterinary advice or professional training advice. Please consult a qualified healthcare provider if you, your horse, or your dog are unwell or injured.  Always use extreme caution when interacting with horses and dogs.

About the Host:

Mary Debono is a pioneer in animal and human wellness, blending her expertise as an international clinician, best-selling author, and certified Feldenkrais Method® practitioner. With over three decades of experience, Mary developed Debono Moves, a groundbreaking approach that enhances the performance, well-being, and partnership of animals and their humans.

Mary's innovative approach draws from the Feldenkrais Method®, tailored specifically for horse and dog enthusiasts.  Her methods have helped animals and humans:

• Improve athletic ability and performance
• Enhance confidence and reduce anxiety
• Reduce physical limitations and discomfort
• Deepen the human-animal bond

Mary's flagship online programs, "Move with Your Horse" and "Easier Movement, Happier Dogs," provide animal enthusiasts with an innovative approach that combines the concepts of Feldenkrais® with her signature hands-on work for horses and dogs (Debono Moves). Through this transformative approach, both people and their animal companions discover greater harmony, ease, and connection.

TRANSCRIPT:

Sometimes the best way to help an animal change their behavior, to be more confident, maybe be friendlier, to have a more cooperative relationship with you, is not through trying to change their behavior, but helping them feel more comfortable in their own body, helping them feel more at home in their skin. So I'll give you three examples. A horse example, a cat example, and a dog example. So we'll start with the horse example.

I worked with this horse who, the trainer told me he had been imported from Europe. He used to be a jumper, and they wanted him to become a dressage prospect. Well, the woman who bought him, I don't think she realized exactly the kind of horse he was because he was very shut down. He didn't want to engage with other horses. He didn't want to engage with humans. And I don't blame him because, frankly, from what I could gather, the way he had been trained and ridden was really unkind.

Really unkind. And so this horse was so stressed out that anytime somebody was doing anything with him, like taking on and off a blanket or tacking him up or really anything, if it was happening in his stall, he would go up to his feeder, like, put his chest against the feeder, kind of position himself in that corner of the stall, and then do what they call a piaffe.

It's like trotting in place. You can think of it that way. He was very stressed when he would do it, and when he was being tacked up, you know, being saddled to be ridden, he would constantly just be. You could see almost trembling, and he would turn around and try to bite the person. He would threaten to bite the person who was tacking him up. And so he had all kinds of ways of trying to cope with his discomfort.

And again, it's like he wasn't even excited when food was coming. It's like he other horses were, you know, there at the gate or something when. When they would realize that food was being, you know, given out nothing. He would just stay in the corner by himself. He wanted nothing to do with anyone else. So they asked me to work with him, both the trainer and his person.

And he was really interesting because he was very threatening. You know, he didn't know what I was about what I was going to do to him. So it took a lot of, you know, nuance, I'll put it that way, to kind of gradually win his trust. This was in a period of one session, by the way, but I did. I was very, very fortunate. And I'm trying to think of if it was that first session or the second one that we actually added tacking up, because I wanted to help him through that.

And what was really, really cool was try started working with him. His trainer reported to me that he was now coming to the gate to be fed. He was showing interest in other horses. He wanted to, you know, to socialize both with humans and with horses. Like, this was a miraculous change. She actually, you know, when she told me, she said, like, what did you do to him?

Like, his whole personality is different. And what I helped him with is, I mean, there's multiple things you can think about, right? He. He had learned with good reason to distrust humans. And I was helping him realize that he could trust some of us anyway. And certainly the trainer and his person were very kind people, and they were doing what they knew to. To just show him a lot of kindness.

But in his case, and I've seen this with many, many animals, it takes more than that. It takes really helping them feel more comfortable in their own skin. And that's why this helped him so much. I mean, his whole, like, under my hands, I could feel how much he was changing. And then certainly he stopped threatening me, and he realized that, you know, maybe I had something to offer him.

And I guess that expanded to, well, maybe other people did as well. So that's one story. And then I have another story about a cat I worked with who was having a lot of different difficulty with her hind legs. And the vets couldn't figure out what was going on, tried different medication, nothing was helping. And I was asked to come and work with her. Well, what they didn't tell.

What the owner didn't tell me was she was pretty much a feral cat that he would feed. And since she started having these leg troubles, he brought her into the house. But she didn't want any part of me or anyone else. And he had said to me at one point, all I want is a cat that will lie on my lap, you know, cuddle up on my lap, and I could pet them and all that.

Well, she was not that cat. And again, it took a while. It was one session, but it took some time of me to help her realize I wasn't there to harm her. That, you know, I had to be careful not to put too much pressure on her, right? Not to try to force her into being touched. I did it very gradually, and eventually she was on my lap.

I mean, it was quite astounding. I did not expect that to happen, certainly not in the first session, but it did. And what was really cool Was in addition to helping her get her hind leg function back again, she started going on her person's lap, right? So again, she learned that she sort of transferred that trust in me to trust of this other person. So it was a big, big switch for her.

Big, big switch. And it was so exciting. So. So that's the cat story. So let me tell you about the dog story. So it was this dog, and she was a rescue. I'm gonna. I think she was eight or nine months old when she was rescued. And I'm not sure what her background is. I don't think anyone knows. I think she was relinquished or I don't think she was astray.

She, I think, pretty sure she was relinquished to a shelter. And the person who adopted her was very, very kind and did everything with positive reinforcement. You just a super kind, very educated dog person. And she was gradually earning the dog's trust. However, she still had. The dog, still had a lot of anxiety around people, like a lot and around other dogs. So I started working with her again.

I was very clear that I reduced my pressure. You know, I wasn't facing her. I wasn't trying to force her into anything. And again, within one session, you know, little by little, I could do more with her and help her feel. Feel more comfortable in her body. Like you, when you, if you think about it this way, it's like the, the, the physical and the emotional states, they're like scaffolding for each other.

They support each other. This is something that Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais, the creator of the Feldenkrais method, used to talk about. So if you have, for example, a lot of anxiety, right? There's a physical component that goes along with that. Maybe your breathing is shallow, right? Or fast. Maybe you have that feeling in your, you know, in your abdomen right there. There's a tension in your shoulders and your jaw throughout your whole self.

And, you know, you can't just sort of force one state or the other, right? They're going to support each other. So in other words, once you get in touch with the awareness of being able to let go of that unnecessary tension, right? When you do let go of that, then your emotional state can change, right? It will mirror that to many, to a degree. And that was what was happening with these animals.

So with the dog, it was the same thing. She then learned to trust me. She felt more comfortable in her body. I could just feel how her tension was dissipating. She started moving more freely and she had more confidence in herself. She was more tuned into herself, so she was more comfortable in her own body. And that then allowed her to be more confident with other dogs in new situations, with new people.

And I'm not saying that. I mean, I'm giving you three examples that were pretty dramatic. It's not always that dramatic. It may take much longer. But I have seen this over and over again that you can help an animal, you know, embrace behavior that's more appropriate, that feels better, that serves them better by helping them be more confident and comfortable in their own body. So I hope this gives you a little food for thought.

Maybe you're dealing with something that you'd like your horse, your dog, your cat, or someone to be, you know, maybe more social, more confident or some other. Some other change that you would like to see. And again, this is never anything that's forced. We're not trying to change behavior like in. In a, you know, in an inorganic way. Like, in a way that we're just forcing it on an animal.

Like, you have to be this way. No, no, no. We're helping that come about naturally. It's like this idea of organic learning. They recognize that they're now feeling more comfortable. It just, like, happens automatically. So, again, hope this gives you some food for thought, and I really appreciate you listening to the podcast, and I look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye for now.